By Mrs Louise Mokhof
In a matter of seconds my vocabulary changed. I used past tense and it was strange! How can life translate such moments?
Losing my much loved son, Stephen was a shock. Facing harsh realities of what that was familiar. It wasn’t my first time to face shocks as such.
Ever since he was born, deep down, I knew something was wrong with his health. At the age of eight he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a life threatening disease. Stephen and we as family had to learn to cope with future ahead. Facing hurdles after hurdles in order to get along with a disease that we had no knowledge of.
During these years, we were praying and hoping for an extension and prolonged life for Stephen specially on his later years as he was married and had a son. On the time of his departure, he was married for 8 years and his son was 4 years of age.
Born in Iran, such disease wasn’t common. When first I heard the word “cystic fibrosis” I thought of a disease similar to tuberculosis. When asked the doctor about it, was shocked of severity of it. The months ahead were like a hell! I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat well, couldn’t concentrate, was anxious, and scared. I didn’t know how to explain this new life with all its attachments to our son.
We were told by the doctor that he may not reach to his 21st birthday. Imagine the shock!!
Despite all prediction, he reached his 37 years. Exceeding in study, work, married life alongside his illness. Life wasn’t easy for him but he was full of life. Time after time being hospitalized made life in such way that we decided from early on to cherish each day as it comes. We gave him so much love and attention in order to reduce his worries but transferred it on us. This was a wise decision up to an age that Stephen could grasp realities of life……..
At the age of 34 his condition was as such that liver transplant was suggested by the doctors.
Eventually the day arrived and he received a new and healthy liver. His life was transformed, hope entered, his energy level soared. We thought he’ll live longer now. Exactly 6 months after his transplant, everything went pear shape and he was ended up in ICU ward where he breathed his last breath.
There is not a day that I don’t think about our last conversation, his last look into my eyes……
There is not a day that I don’t hear a whisper in my heart, talking loud, questions, lots of questions in my heart!!! In reply to these, what I do? I shot these voices symbolically down like reducing the radio’s volume. Life is not a silent one in fact very talkative! I deliberately keep these whispers’ volume down and keep on increasing the volume of the comfort and peace on high.
As hard as it is for a mother to witness such scene, I had to face this harsh reality. I couldn’t ignore it; it was and is just in front of my face!
I felt a big hole in my heart, felt a piece of me been torn from me. I was faced with the sense that; how am I going to see the days without him? It was strange. Still after nearly two years, I’m faced with this question!! Sometimes I feel a storm hit me and carrying me to unknown and unfamiliar places. There are emotions that I don’t have words for them, emotions that are felt rather than explained.
The worst can happen in life is that parents to bury their children which are against natural course of life. It’s painful, it’s cruel, and it’s unimaginable. Parents who go before their children are blessed as this is a natural life.
Our days are numbered, no one knows when the time comes, but when it comes, I take it as a joy because of re-union with our much loved Stephen. The hope of seeing him again is like a powerful engine in my body.
We have a grandson who shares his 2nd name as his dad’s. Our son’s name remains and lives in his son. I find this as a blessing, as beauty for ashes.
Life’s now been redefined….
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