Translate life

By Mrs Louise Mokhof

In a matter of seconds my vocabulary changed. I used past tense and it was strange! How can life translate such moments?

Losing my much loved son, Stephen was a shock. Facing harsh realities of what that was familiar. It wasn’t my first time to face shocks as such.

Ever since he was born, deep down, I knew something was wrong with his health. At the age of eight he was diagnosed with cystic fibrosis, a life threatening disease. Stephen and we as family had to learn to cope with future ahead. Facing hurdles after hurdles in order to get along with a disease that we had no knowledge of.

During these years, we were praying and hoping for an extension and prolonged life for Stephen specially on his later years as he was married and had a son. On the time of his departure, he was married for 8 years and his son was 4 years of age.

Born in Iran, such disease wasn’t common. When first I heard the word “cystic fibrosis” I thought of a disease similar to tuberculosis. When asked the doctor about it, was shocked of severity of it. The months ahead were like a hell! I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat well, couldn’t concentrate, was anxious, and scared. I didn’t know how to explain this new life with all its attachments to our son.

We were told by the doctor that he may not reach to his 21st birthday. Imagine the shock!!

Despite all prediction, he reached his 37 years. Exceeding in study, work, married life alongside his illness. Life wasn’t easy for him but he was full of life. Time after time being hospitalized made life in such way that we decided from early on to cherish each day as it comes. We gave him so much love and attention in order to reduce his worries but transferred it on us. This was a wise decision up to an age that Stephen could grasp realities of life……..

At the age of 34 his condition was as such that liver transplant was suggested by the doctors.

Eventually the day arrived and he received a new and healthy liver. His life was transformed, hope entered, his energy level soared. We thought he’ll live longer now. Exactly 6 months after his transplant, everything went pear shape and he was ended up in ICU ward where he breathed his last breath.

There is not a day that I don’t think about our last conversation, his last look into my eyes……

There is not a day that I don’t hear a whisper in my heart, talking loud, questions, lots of questions in my heart!!! In reply to these, what I do? I shot these voices symbolically down like reducing the radio’s volume. Life is not a silent one in fact very talkative! I deliberately keep these whispers’ volume down and keep on increasing the volume of the comfort and peace on high.

As hard as it is for a mother to witness such scene, I had to face this harsh reality. I couldn’t ignore it; it was and is just in front of my face!

I felt a big hole in my heart, felt a piece of me been torn from me. I was faced with the sense that; how am I going to see the days without him? It was strange. Still after nearly two years, I’m faced with this question!! Sometimes I feel a storm hit me and carrying me to unknown and unfamiliar places. There are emotions that I don’t have words for them, emotions that are felt rather than explained.

The worst can happen in life is that parents to bury their children which are against natural course of life. It’s painful, it’s cruel, and it’s unimaginable. Parents who go before their children are blessed as this is a natural life.

Our days are numbered, no one knows when the time comes, but when it comes, I take it as a joy because of re-union with our much loved Stephen. The hope of seeing him again is like a powerful engine in my body.

We have a grandson who shares his 2nd name as his dad’s. Our son’s name remains and lives in his son. I find this as a blessing, as beauty for ashes.

Life’s now been redefined….

7 thoughts on “Translate life

  1. A beautiful piece of writing Louise! I’m so sorry you had to go through this, but you and Feridoon created and grew an incredible son and you should be proud.

    Stephen was an amazing man who made everyone around him better by being in our lives. His illness didn’t stop him living life, and it challenged me to live fully, which just shows the level of faith and courage he had – both of which came from you and Feridoon.

    One day we will see him again, but until then we will remember his memory and the way he changed us

    Thanks for sharing


    Liked by 1 person

    1. There is no word that can explain how I felt when I was reading this beautiful writing . My heart goes with you .🙏
      We are blessed by the grace of God that ehen the day come , we will see our loved ones again 🙏 until then we can celebrate Stephen’s life that has been blessing to so many . May God bless you & brother Fereydoon and Stephan’s family & bring peace to you all🙏🙏😘😘
      in your hearts

      Liked by 1 person

  2. خواهر لوییز عزیزم همونطور که همیشه گفتم شما نمونه بارز رسولان و مسیح در زمان حال هستین و همیشه وفاداری و ایستادگی شما در خداوند درسی برای من بوده و هست ❤️🙏خداوند به شما عزیزان برکت و سلامتی عطا کنه که همچنان بیشتر و بیشتر در خداوند بدرخشید🙏

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Pure, true emotion. Thank you so much for sharing this time. I hope that writing it brought you some comfort. I know the piece will touch and bless whoever reads it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Louise you are a strong woman and yet your heart is full of the grace ,wisdom and power of the God that you love with all your heart. Lean on your saviour and let him release the pain that you still carry. 🙏🏻❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Louisejan,

    When I read this I think of the short moments I shared with Stephen and the many many more I shared with you and dear Feridoon.

    Stephen was so alive! He could make the silliest jokes even when in hospital (we chatted sometimes via on messenger app or another) and he was incredibly caring, even when clearly in the midst of his own suffering.

    God bless you and keep you close.

    Liked by 1 person

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